If you are beholding to be loved at any price, you are fearful of staying alone, of not being liked… If you are beholding for acceptance, acknowledgement from others and you give excessive worth to the judgements of others… you don’t value yourself sufficient. Thus, it would be thought-provoking for you to try to say NO. You get annoyed for not reaching for what you truly desire.
Dependence, dread and guilt are sentiments that drag you to not be yourself and to pursue the pleasure of others above what you indeed hunger for. Why don’t we clarify how it truly works?
People who rest their worth on others, generally have a continuing obligation to aid others, and they are certain that their contentment hinge on others. When somebody speaks harsh of you and criticize you, you feel attacked. You feel the necessity for individuals to accept you, to instruct you what you must to do, appointing more value to their opinions than your own. You are a self-doubting individual and you are easily persuaded, if somebody does not support the pronouncement that you have made. The main cause that you are continuously worried about others more that you do for yourself, it’s the inevitability to feel looked-for, essential and not feel the peril of rejection. As you reach a certain resolution you will recover your self-assurance little by little.
Just recall that the shackles of slavery may tie your body, but your mind is what brands you as free or confined
We feel the inevitability to tell if we might get whatever we want. "I can’t” and "I don’t know,” are expressions that will take away the supremacy and accountability from your life. You can, you will acquire how to, are sayings that will make you responsible, sayings that will push you toward the action of trying. You will transform and you will comprehend that little modification will benefit you in doing things for yourself. We all should be the protagonist in our life and consequently accountable for our actions. I am contented, I am love, I have recognition! Primary for myself, and then for others, not vice versa.
If you have a feeling that you won’t accomplish your best in a certain situation you can try this: don’t enquire for assistance, you can do it by yourself. Have a little more conviction in yourself. Fight against your "I don’t know, I can’t, and I require help….” Adjust these words in your vocabulary and you will feel that you have influence and you will do it, there isn’t a time limit, you just must to do it for yourself.
Feasibly, our qualms of being left alone, of not being important, are real, from the past, or fictitious. That does not matter, you will not sense more love simply by saying Yes, and altogether you hunger to say No. If a person loves you, a friend, a parent, a partner will still be around when you say No. What did you believe? That someone won’t love you anymore just because you declined to go to the cinema with him?
We can keep on saying Yes for fear of how would they react and feel depraved about it, or we can face it. IN a lot of cases, our worries are bigger than we contemplate and when we face them we understand that they are not that big. They are your sentiments about the worst that could happen, which paralyzes you. When you understand them, you found out that you have embellished the whole thing.
How do we deal with the dread of not being loved, of solitude, of rejection…? Looking within ourselves
According to Lawrence, individuals who have no love believe they don’t merit the love they want, only those who have love can find it and they never have to pursue it. But love is within you, it is you, it implies to give love to oneself and then to others, but never to beg for it. Your love would be sincere and will drift to the outside without asking for anything, when you will love yourself and respect yourself, choose for yourself, depending on what you need and not what others hunger for. There is a sense of balance amongst the ego and the heart that retains you in a perfect condition to provide and obtain love. If you focus only on your need to find a partner, to feel loved by someone else, you will start to feel hollow, because you only focus on your own prerequisite for love, not that you, by yourself, are already love, we all are. When you love and venerate yourself you will be set to entice the true love of your life. Your thought cannot be focused on finding what you need; love (Law of attraction), if not in your desire for love to flow into your life.
According to Wayne Dyer, love is what remains, even when the body has disappeared, it is the reduction of the universe to a single being
Should we or shouldn’t we? That is the real question. When you free yourself of things that you "should do” you will respect the freedom you deserve.
Guilt, usually, comes rooted in childhood, and you generally think that what transpires is your burden, or they are believes that shape up your behavior. You may have got used to always having to be there so you can aid others, feeling bad if some day you just don’t possess the strength for doing it. A big anxiety of making an error and along the way hurting someone is always on your mind.
The impression of deficiency of love and care that you have suffered in childhood predisposes you to feel guilt-ridden if you have to say no to a being you care about, because you maybe are afraid of losing him. This guilt comes from resentment toward yourself and from fear of denunciation. It is a credence that you have to be, whoever others want you to be.
Would it be possible to alter that?
Each of us is 100% responsible of their own thoughts, decisions, actions and you cannot feel blamable for what other people choose, feel or do. If someone is feeling bad and needs to converse with you every day so he may voice his problems, you must comprehend that the agony is within him, it is his accountability to feel better, to improve his circumstances… you can comfort him if you like, but not choose to feel remorseful about it if you don’t want to be in contact with him every day or if you don’t feel like chitchatting for five hours about the same topic. You must realize that you can pay attention to him, support him… but ultimately it is he who must fix it, not You.
Find a way to say no, every person is accountable for his own life
If we think about what leads to the deficiency of assertiveness, the answer would be: Not knowing how to express your sentiments in certain states and keeping them to yourself, inside, it leads to frustrations and illness.
If you succeed in saying No, you might perceive the bliss and contentment that produces, for saying and doing what you really like. If someone loves you, appreciates you, understands you… he will appreciate your stance and continue to be there after your No.
There are individuals who insist to receive what they need after you tell them No, because they try to use you so they can feed their hunger, but if that is something you aren’t searching for, retain your position and clarify to them that in other occasion they can rely on you. Be sturdy in your choice and not put off by the attempted manipulation of others. Attempt and you will grasp the joy and satisfaction that fills you from within, when you make your own verdicts, and you will see that your fault, you fear, your codependency is not real, they are just a technique to stay in your place of comfort. It is the one thing you know and in doing it you are avoiding to take charge of your life.
Saying no and not feeling embarrassed is a clear way to reinforce your self-worth. Every time you succeed to say no, you are displaying that you have personality and judgment. And all this without feeling guilt-ridden about the decision you have made. Because saying No sets you free to say Yes in situations that will matter. Maybe you aren’t doing or being all that you would like to, nevertheless you always have the chance not to do or be what you don’t like to.
What would you decide to be, the star in your life or a puppet at the clemency of the requests of others?
What stops you from saying NO?
Tell me your impediments, your doubts and I’ll discover the way of desires.